KEY POINTS
- As children mature, they may come to hold values or views that differ from those of their parents, causing friction.
- Even well-intentioned parents can behave in a way that harms their adult children and makes communication challenging.
- Parents with a growth mindset can improve their ability to connect with their adult offspring by learning from their mistakes.
- High levels of conflict between parents and their adult offspring leave them feeling empty, sad, anxious, and frustrated. Why do they treat me like garbage? is a common query I get when I work with these struggling parents of hurtful, reactive adult children.
- There are many factors that contribute to adult children and parents’ negative attitudes and strained ties. Remember that no parent is flawless before we look at three of them. The fact that many parents adore and want the best for their adult children despite the intensity of their communication—possibly making intrusive comments and displaying poor listening skills—is perhaps the biggest source of frustration for them.
- The good news is that, regardless of your adult child’s age, the best way to improve your relationship is to adopt a growth mindset, which is the readiness to learn from failures and errors. Now let’s look at the three main reasons why your adult kid might be mistreating you.
- Persistent mental stress
Conflicts over the past, differences in values, or difficulties in letting go of old roles and dynamics are just a few causes of strained feelings between parents and grown children. These conflicted feelings may cause both parties to experience tension, anxiety, and relationship problems.
Other significant problems can cause tension between parents and adult children. Children may acquire values or beliefs that differ from those of their parents as they mature and forge their own identities, which can cause conflict and tension. Tension between parents and adult children can result from old disputes or traumas that were never completely resolved.
A pattern of poor communication, which can result in misunderstandings and hurtful arguments, is another significant cause of unresolved emotional tension between parents and adult children.
What you can do as a parent: Make positive communication, empathy, and understanding your top priorities if you want to resolve tense feelings with your adult child. Try to have open and honest conversations with your kids, pay attention to their worries, and try to comprehend their point of view. As I explain in my book, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child, parents need to be firm but not overbearing with their adult offspring. It is easier to avoid both the emotional reactivity of the parent and the adult kid by remaining calm, firm, and noncontrolling.
Strained emotions between parents and adult children can occur for many reasons, such as differences in values, conflicts over past events, or struggles with letting go of old roles and dynamics. These strained emotions can lead to stress, anxiety, and relationship issues for both parties.
Some further powerful issues can lead to strained emotions between parents and adult children. As children grow up and develop their own identities, they may develop values or beliefs that conflict with those of their parents, leading to disagreements and tension. Old conflicts or traumas that were never fully resolved can resurface later in life and cause tension between parents and adult children. Another big source of unresolved emotional strain between parents and adult children is a pattern of poor communication, which can lead to misunderstandings and hurtful arguments.
What you as a parent can do: To address strained emotions with your adult child, prioritize positive communication, empathy, and understanding. Strive to communicate openly and honestly, listen actively to your child’s concerns, and make an effort to understand their perspectives. As I detail in my book, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child, adult children need their parents to be calm, firm, and noncontrolling. Being calm, firm, and noncontrolling helps bypass both the parent’s and adult child’s emotional reactivity. An example of a calm, firm, noncontrolling parental soundbite is, “I value your opinion yet disagree. We both seem to feel strongly about how we see this differently. Would you agree that us having a calm, constructive conversation is going to more likely help us feel better than continuing to argue?”
- Not Recognizing Modifications to Roles and Tasks
Parents may experience difficulties as their children grow up and transition from being dependent children to independent people. This indicates that some parents find it difficult to relinquish their parental position.
There may be a number of factors why parents find it difficult to accept their adult children as adults. Nostalgia is one. Parents may find it difficult to see their children as autonomous adults because they still associate them with being dependent children. Another is that parents might struggle to adjust to a new situation where their kid is more independent because they have a natural desire to safeguard and care for them, even as they grow older.
Some of my parent coaching clients mistakenly believe they must maintain influence over their adult children’s lives and may find it difficult to let go of that feeling as their children age into adults. Another problem that I frequently witness in action is the struggle of parents to adjust to changes that deviate from their expectations for their children’s lives. Additionally, parents might not be sufficiently involved in their adult children’s lives and might not completely comprehend the level of maturity and independence they have attained.
What you as a parent can do: Open and honest communication between you and your adult kid is necessary to foster respect and understanding between you both. Despite the fact that you may not concur with all of your child’s decisions, keep in mind that they are now adults. Encourage your adult child to act responsibly and independently, talk to you about their goals and aspirations while listening first, and coach them to establish respectful boundaries with you when required.
- Critique and Invalidation Expression
Emotional harm can result from parents who are harshly critical of or dismissive of their adult child’s emotions or accomplishments. The kid might feel unimportant or like they’ll never measure up to their parents’ expectations as a result. It can make your adult child feel helpless and incapable if you continue to handle them dismissively. This may result in low self-esteem and sentiments of inadequacy. Your kid may feel even more unappreciated or unwanted if you have been emotionally absent or uncaring.
Adult offspring may experience feelings of abandonment or rejection if they perceive criticism and invalidation. A significant amount of emotional damage can result from using guilt, shame, or other manipulative techniques to influence an adult child’s behavior.
This may give the kid the impression that they are not in charge of their own lives, which may cause them to feel resentful and angry. Finally, parents who do not respect the independence and boundaries of their adult children run the danger of alienating them. This is due to the likelihood that your adult child feels unable to escape your impact or control.
What you as a parent can do is attempt to understand your adult children’s point of view by putting yourself in their shoes. This can make you more sympathetic and less judgmental toward them. Focus on what your adult children are doing correctly rather than what they are doing wrong. Rewarding behavior can be a potent incentive. Recognize that your adult kid is a free-living being with the ability to make their own choices. Allow them the freedom to fail and then learn from their errors.
Closing Reflections
It’s crucial to remember that these actions can take place in any kind of household and may even be the result of parental error. The effect on the adult kid, however, may be substantial. Therefore, be conscious of your actions and how they might impact your child’s emotional health. Consult a therapist or counselor if you still have trouble connecting with your adult kid. They can assist you in resolving any fundamental problems that might be causing your difficulties and conflicts.
Authors:
Dr. P. Edem Nukunu,
Nukunu is currently a Medical Practitioner and Psychotherapist. He is also a member of the Medical Journalists’ Association – Ghana and the World Federation of Science Journalists. Reach out for him via correspondent e-mail: penukunu@st.ug.edu.gh /penukunu@medhealth.info
Bernstein, J. (2023). 3 Reasons your Adult child treats you like dirts. Retrieved 09/03/2023
Bernstein, J. (2023). 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child (3rd.Ed), Hachette Go Books, New York, NY.
Birditt, K.S. (2009). Tensions in the Parent and Adult Child Relationship: Links to Solidarity and Ambivalence. Psychol Aging. 2009 Jun; 24(2): 287–295.doi: 10.1037/a0015196, PMCID: PMC2690709, NIHMSID: NIHMS94367
Yang, J., & Zheng, Y. (2019). Links Between Perceptions of Successes, Problems and Health Outcomes Among Adult Children: The Mediating Role of Perceptions of Parents’ Feelings and Intergenerational Relationships. Frontiers in Psychology, 10. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2019.02551
Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D., is a psychologist and the author of seven books, including 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child.
